emotional diarrhea

I feel like I haven't written an honest post in a long time.  After reading a friend's blog, I was inspired to be transparent. 

Since I'm now a SAHM, life is so different.  I'm struggling to stay on top of my housework.  I'm lazy and not diligent.  I waste time on the internet and watching TV.  I get annoyed when Selah wakes me up in the middle of the night.  I feel like now that I'm at home I HAVE to keep the house clean.  And I can't.  One, I'm not diligent enough to do a lot of housework.  Two, I have a baby who doesn't allow me to do a lot of it.  She's time consuming and she will not be put aside for chores.  So I feel like I can't keep up with the ONE thing that I'm supposed to be doing.  (I have more than one thing, but it feels like it's the biggest thing.)  I feel like a failure a lot of the time, despite how gracious/loving/patient my husband is with me. 

Things are changing with work and in the beginning it was hard to relinquish control to another.  Now though, I don't care that much and I hate when I have to go into work.  It's difficult for me to transition from one hat to another.

Some days, I feel like I can't get a handle on my life and it's spinning wildly out of control.  Lately though, I've been feeling better.  I'm learning through flylady and failures that I simply can't do it.  I'm learning to take babysteps and do what I can and not lose it.  I'm trying not to overwhelm myself. 

I haven't posted one of Selah's updates in 3 months.  That's like, half her life.  I feel like if I don't document her growth everyday it's gonna pass me by and I will have missed my chance.  I will totally forget her baby year and that makes me feel so guilty.  I wanted to document her growth and tell you what's going on in our everyday life.  The everyday little stories.  I've taken lots of pictures although not as many as I want, I simply haven't posted any.  I really really want to. 

I have a vow renewal that I haven't spent much time on editing and I'm scared to start.  I just got photoshop and I'm too scared to open it.  Why?  That's so silly you say.  Because learning photoshop is complicated and it's really complex and I can't afford to get overwhelmed.  I have another session this Friday and if I don't get on, I'll start getting backed up. 

We recently shelled out over $2000 for me to start getting chiropractic treatments for my back pain.  I haven't felt much relief yet and it's frustrating because I have to go up to 3x a week.  I've been really hurting and it's annoyingly debilitating.  I have trouble walking most of the time, standing for more than 5 minutes and getting up and down in general.  I feel like an old person. 

I'm growing in the Lord and I pray that it will keep up.  That's the good part.  I'm becoming convicted about many things and there's SO much about myself that I dislike.  And that part makes me really really uncomfortable.  Why does sanctification come so slowly?  

Okay, so my transparent post ended up sounding more like complaining.  Sorry.  My heart was heavier than I thought.