newness

We started attending a new church.  It's theologically sound and the people that attend are great.  I'm surrounded by boatloads of regenerate brothers and sisters whom have already shown Christian love towards us.   But something is very different about this church. 

I'm very uncomfortable. 

It's taken me a long time to diagnose the problem exactly.  But my loving husband helped do that for me.  After confessing my feelings to him I've come to understand why. 

Fear and pride.  Most of the time they go hand in hand.  I never considered they would manifest in this way.  This church encourages parents to keep children in service, even fussy upset babies.  I just happen to have one of those.  Every Sunday, I get quite nervous about how this Lord's day will turn out.  Will Selah throw a fit?  I imagine her screaming at the top of her lungs as I rush as quickly as possible out of the sanctuary in high heels.  People will stare and judge me quietly.  The preacher will get distracted and stop as he waits for me to leave.  In my anxiety, I will trip and fall on my face with a baby in my hands.  I'll drop her and they'll call CPS.  Cue sappy music as the van pulls away with my child and I'm on the ground sobbing sadly.  It sounds kind of ridiculous as I write it here but that's exactly what I think!  I know this doesn't happen.  Because they encourage babies to stay in service, they're used to all that screaming and fussing.  Mothers usually just take their babies out and calm them down.  No one looks or thinks twice.  If it upsets people, then they will probably go to another church because fussy babies are normal here. 

I've met 2nd generation homeschool-ers who are now gonna homeschool their kids.  I've never been around people that grew up with such idyllic childhoods.  All the Christians I know come from nonbelieving or broken families.  Although we plan on homeschooling, I've never had any personal experience with it.  I met a nice lady that stays home and sells bread.  I mean, this is stuff from the movies.  I met another lady that feeds her kids salad as a main course and pine nuts!  (Hi Christina!)  I wish I knew that before I brought chocolate cake to bible study (am I the antichrist or what?!)  Almost everything I cook has canned cream of something in it or 3 handfuls of cheese!  These people have it TOGETHER.  I feel REALLY terribly inadequate.  But Louis reminds me that despite all these things, these people have not 'arrived.'  They haven't and they don't expect me to either.  I shouldn't care how these people perceive me so much after all, it's all about where we're going not where we are.  It's about journeying towards Christ together as we sharpen each other and become sanctified together.  (If that sounds rehearsed, that's because I keep trying to tell myself these things!) 

These past Sundays, I've been doing my best not to stick out and blend in with my floor length skirt and rushing furiously to thrown together something for the fellowship meal dessert.  My eyes have been turned inward in fear of being found out that I'm not yet perfect and still in need of my Savior.  Forgive me Lord for my inequity and for forgetting that it's not at all about me, but it's all about You and your glory.  I don't need to be perfect because we are united by Your Son, the Redeemer and Perfecter.  Please continue to teach me that my sanctification comes only from you and to not be ashamed of where I am but to keep my eyes on the prize that is Christ.  

I'll be better at this as we continue to attend.  This Sunday, I'll do my best to focus on the Lord and worshipping with His people.  I'll try not to be afraid of being judged by my fellow brothers and sisters.  I'll enjoy the company of believers and rejoice in my salvation and praise my Father in heaven.